COURTSHIP

Let’s begin with two rather different views of courtship.

The first quotation comes from story-teller, essayist and poet Robert Louis Stevenson. It reflects the sunny heyday of the optimistic Victorian era. The second quote is from syndicated newspaper columnist William Raspberry. He was writing in the year 2001-an era most people probably wouldn’t call highly optimistic.

Times have changed, and courtship has changed along with them. Not for the better either. It’s a shame.

There is, of course, no way to turn back the clock. But considering what is at stake, we need a renewed understanding of this very important thing called courtship. For starters-what is it?

Courtship is the name we give the process by which a man and a woman together engage in an exercise in vocational discernment leading to a critically important joint decision. The question they have to answer together is this: Shall we marry each other or not?

Courtship is preceded by friendship, with dating usually part of it. Not every friendship leads to courtship, of course, nor does all dating. But the purpose of dating should be seeking someone to court, an activity both serious and enjoyable. When two people find that they are starting to think of each other as potentially suitable marriage partners, a courtship may begin.

At this point, too-and right at this point-something else needs to take place. Before things go any further, these two people should make certain, if they haven’t already, that both of them are free to marry and that marriage would be possible for them in the reasonably near future.

Circumstances that rule out courtship include things like these: One or both parties are already married, though separated; no immediate prospects of earning enough to support a family; serious health problems, physical or emotional, that need correcting before getting married; other important obligations that prevent marriage in the near future. In circumstances like these, courtship, or even dating, will quickly become an occasion of sin for healthy people.

But if none of these obstacles exist, the conversation of courtship can begin.

Notice the word “conversation.” To a great extent, that’s what a courtship is-an extended conversation between a man and woman concerning the possibility of their marrying each other.

This is hardly the place to script the dialogue, but its contents are reasonably clear. These two need to get to know each other-not just in a general way as friends, but precisely as possible husband and wife.

That means weighing questions like these: Is this person someone with whom I would wish to share the rest of my life-children and all the joys and burdens they bring, happiness and disappointment, sickness and health? Would I truly love and honor him or her? Could I expect to be loved and honored in return? Do we agree on important questions of morality, faith and values? Is this the person with whom I can see myself traveling hand-in-hand to heaven? Is marrying each other something God wants us to do?

It is a good idea at the start for both parties to prepare, write down, and share with each other a comprehensive list of questions to cover in the course of the courtship. Individual couples naturally will have very specific questions besides the ones noted above, reflecting their own thinking about what they want marriage to be.

Secular culture no longer offers much help on how to conduct a courtship. But the very nature of the relationship and the purpose it is meant to serve point to some basic rules that must be observed.

One such rule is: Be honest. Self-disclosure is essential to courtship. It must be truthful. This requires that the conversation proceed in a relaxed and natural manner, in a variety of settings and circumstances. The parties should take the time necessary to set aside their party manners, speak their minds, disclose themselves as they really are.

That doesn’t mean “letting it all hang out” or making irrelevant, possibly self-indulgent disclosures about matters with no real bearing on the question at hand: one’s suitability for marriage and family life. Courtship is not a form of psychotherapy. If either party needs a doctor, he or she should see one.

But honesty does rule out pretense-pretending to share interests one doesn’t share, promising to change one’s life in ways one doesn’t mean to change, professing to hold values and views about morality and religion that one doesn’t truly hold.

It also means not offering irrelevant inducements like wealth and social status in an attempt to get the other party to say yes. Practicalities-money management, budgeting, lifestyle and the like-are indeed relevant topics during courtship. But that is far removed from trying to dazzle someone else with promises of things-a big house, an expensive car, foreign travel, a diamond as big as the Ritz-unrelated to what marriage is all about.

Chastity is another crucial rule. In the column quoted above, William Raspberry cited a survey of America college women that found most look forward to meeting their future husbands on campus and most expect those marriages to last. But the prevalence of “sex without commitment,” also documented in the survey, makes such expectations tragically unrealistic, the columnist observed.

“The college social scene does not seem to support these women’s aspirations for long-term commitment,” said a social scientist commenting on the survey. Raspberry translated that this way:

“These women are out of their minds, and the adults who ought to be teaching them better-parents and college administrators-have pretty much walked away from the job....The rules have been dissolved, and we imagine the kids are freer than we ever were to live their own lives. I call it abandonment. We’ve stopped protecting our young.”

Courtship is by definition a romantic relationship, but “romantic” doesn’t mean “ruled by lust.” The same standards that apply to everybody else outside marriage also apply to a courting couple. They may not intend to bring about any physical arousal, and physical intimacy-kisses, touches, looks-which produces that result is not allowed. Physical expressions of affection must be brief, prudent and chaste.

This is only good sense. The ethicist and moral theologian Germain Grisez explains why lust should be excluded from courtship for practical reasons as well as reasons of right and wrong: Not only is it “gravely sinful in itself and manipulative in the same way as” any other appeal to an irrelevant motive, but it also is “altogether self-defeating.”

The reason the appeal to lust is self-defeating, he explains, lies in the fact that it “elicits the transient desire for sexual satisfaction rather than the permanent communion of life, which is essential to marriage.” That recalls the many empirical studies which do in fact show that couples who ignore this rule are likely to run into serious problems later.

Like any vocational discernment, courtship should include prayer that God will send light to make the right choice and consultation with others-parents, other family members, reliable and prudent friends, especially trustworthy older persons. Consulting others isn’t meant to shift the decision to them (if a couple ever need to decide anything for themselves, surely it’s this), but to get wise, friendly advice.

There is no one-size-fits-all length of time for a courtship. The common sense rule of thumb is to take as much time as such a serious decision requires. “Marry in haste, repent at leisure” expresses an important truth.

At the same time, courtship shouldn’t be dragged out needlessly. It’s important to bear that in mind since, having observed all the rules and acted prudently, the parties very likely will still have some doubts, since every sensible person feels uncertain about the unknown future and is hesitant in taking on serious longterm obligations. But doubts of this kind shouldn’t keep a couple from deciding to marry.

On the other hand, if either or both of them have some specific, persistent reason or reasons for thinking their marriage would be a mistake, that is a good sign they shouldn’t marry. Instead, they should terminate their romantic relationship, while remaining friends.

But suppose the answer is affirmative. “Yes. We’re as sure as it is possible for us to be that this is what God wants us to do. We fully believe it’s our vocation to marry each other.” Then the couple should joyfully and confidently decide to marry and should move on to the next stage: the immediate preparation for marriage called engagement.

As they do, let us hope that, looking back on what they’ve just experienced, they will find themselves in agreement with Robert Louis Stevenson: “The weather is usually fine when people are courting.”