When it comes to dating, young men today are essentially on their own. Whereas generations past were instructed and supervised in their relations with a scrutiny that many parents today would find uncomfortably intrusive, the current generation is without either inherited social customs or adult guidance in the matter that is uppermost in their minds,how to deal with the opposite sex.

When it comes to the question of dating, young men today are “to an unprecedented degree” on their own.

The result is a situation that is at once chaotic and casual, where the sexes mix socially at an ever-earlier age, without a clear set of rules of the road to help them navigate their way towards marriage and family. For many young people, it’s not even clear whether that is their intended destination. Between competing for grades in the classroom and worrying about future job markets, career-paths, and earning-potentials, the matter of lifelong commitment to another in marriage with the purpose of raising a family seems to be one of the last things on their minds.

Perhaps this explains why formality in social relations between young men and young women has all but disappeared. “Courtship,” with the purpose of finding out about the character of a potential lifelong mate, is a notion so foreign to today’s atmosphere as to appear a quaint relic of days gone by. Even the practice of “going out on a date”- with its accompanying ritual of
dressing up, choosing an activity, perhaps even dinner at a favorite restaurant-is a relatively rare occurrence among guys and girls of high school and college age these days.

Much more common is the routine of “hanging out” together in packs without any distinctions by gender. In this new social order older, more traditional notions of propriety no longer apply. Casual friendship between the sexes is taken for granted, and casual dress, language, and forms of entertainment are the norm.

But underneath the relaxed veneer of easy and natural friendship between the sexes- where everyone is equal and each respects the other for their individual qualities without reference to gender-unhappiness abounds. Casual sex without consequences is increasingly accepted as an integral part of this laid back social scene, and young women and men treat each other coarsely. Rather than easy, casual friendship, selfishness, suspicion, bitterness,abusive relationships, mutual recrimination, and a lack of respect for persons have become characteristic of the popular literature on male-female relationships.

Some younger feminists are catching on to the fact that women have been the big losers in the wholesale abandonment of formality, and in throwing out the rulebook on dating. Many yearn for the permanence, the emotional stability, and the long-term commitment that come with marriage and family, but have little idea of how to arrive at their destination.. The social scene militates against commitment. They want guidance that many adults are not prepared to provide.

The plain fact is that the vast majority of young men in high school are unprepared,emotionally, intellectually, or financially to commit themselves to one person. While there is much benefit to be gained for a young person by interacting with the opposite sex- including the learning and internalizing of manners, the building of self-confidence in social situations, and the enrichment of character that the perspective of the opposite sex provides-dating with the aim of commitment is generally best avoided during high school. Too-early emotional involvement with the opposite sex can stunt a young person’s normal development by unnaturally channeling energies and attention; it can even be emotionally crippling as a result of making commitments one is not ready lot At the very least, it has the potential of hampering a young man’s personal growth by limiting his social interactions to a “steady girlfriend” rather than a wider circle of healthy relationships. But because of social pressures,often complicated by a desire of self-satisfaction, it is easy for young people to be fooled into thinking that they need to give themselves to another more fully than they are prepared to handle.

That said, young men who are conscious that their eventual goal is permanent commitment to one woman through marriage and family find themselves without rules of engagement in a culture inimical to such commitment. With the absence of any models in the popular culture for how to conduct themselves in relationships with women, young men can develop habits-almost without realizing it-which make the effort to live chastity more difficult and undermine their later struggle to be faithful husbands and fathers. For these young men, as well as for their parents, we offer the following principles of dating.

1. Same sex friendships are different than opposite sex friendships.

In order to avoid the serious problems that arise from undifferentiated friendship between young men and women, it is necessary for young men to go against the reigning culture which encourages the “no distinctions” model and establish some ground rules of propriety in dealing with young women. While course language, too-casual or immodest dress, and bad manners may be the norm when hanging out with the guys, a serious effort should be made around women to exercise self-control. Precisely because women are different, they ought to be treated differently. All the traditional signs of being a gentleman- opening doors, allowing women to sit down or to go first, etc., have the effect on men of generating respect and veneration of women; and young women come to appreciate and expect such behavior after a short while. These outward signs of respect guard against the ever-present danger of opposite sex friendships becoming emotionally charged, or dictated by passion.

2. While exchanging confidences is natural and appropriate as friendship deepens between young men, it denotes something different with the opposite sex.

In the context of friendships between young men, the exchange of confidences, hopes,aspirations, and fears is a sign of deepening friendship and confidence; when things get this personal in conversations with women it is usually a sign of something else-a desire for intimacy. Keeping a certain emotional distance and detachment is not just empty formalism, but guards against, the tendency to deal with women differently according to the degree of attraction felt-giving in to instinct rather than letting standards govern behavior. The discipline of this distance helps guard against too easy intimacy with a girl just because she is attractive. To pursue intimacy with an attractive young woman is to develop a friendship that is very different from deep friendship with a male companion.

3. Dating is an activity oriented towards a definite end: lifelong commitment in marriage.

By definition, dating is more than socializing; it is beginning the process of selection of a future mate. This being so, the time to start dating is when one is prepared to make that lifelong commitment, and not before. One shouldn’t start dating simply out of a desire for companionship; once a certain line of intimacy and implied commitment is crossed, people can be hurt if the will-or the means- to follow through are not present.

4. Dating-particularly for young men in high school- is not a social necessity.

There is a lot of social pressure- from both the popular media and from peers- to date at younger and younger ages. As a result, young men in high school may feel like they don’t fit in with their peers or are singling themselves out as unusual if they don’t go along with the trend. The truth is that dating requires a level of maturity and self-possession that the vast majority of high schoolers don’t possess. While it’s healthy for young men and women of high school age to socialize together in a supervised setting (i.e. dance, parties, etc,) one-on-one dating is another matter. Neither teenagers nor their parents should let the pressure of wanting to conform to prevailing social mores prevent them from putting off dating until the time is right.

5. There is a. big difference between dating and having a steady girlfriend.

Until one is psychologically, emotionally, and economically ready for lifelong commitment in marriage, it is premature and unwise to get “serious” about dating one person exclusively. Unless one is prepared to give oneself exclusively to one person in marriage, and has the maturity to carry out that promise, it is better to go out with a variety of different young women, and to avoid getting too emotionally attached to any one of them. Normally, it is also better to go out in larger groups so as to avoid occasions of excessive intimacy. Aside from presenting serious difficulties to living chastity,” going steady” before one is ready for marriage can be an emotional dead end, diverting attention and energy from academics and other worthy pursuits that can better prepare one for marriage.

6. Any behavior that emphasizes sex within the relationship should be avoided.

All true friendship is based on the idea of seeking the good of the other person, serving when another person is viewed as an object of sexual pleasure, any possibility of true personal relationship is undermined. Because a powerful sexual drive is built in to young men’s nature, there is a great need for prudence in determining rules of behavior with women. Even young men who want to handle themselves in an honorable fashion have few cultural guidelines at hand to answer the questions they have: Is it ever appropriate to be alone with a girl? How much physical contact is “allowable”? What does modest dress entail? What topics of conversation should be avoided? What types of activity (i.e. movies, music, clubs) are appropriate? The rule of thumb should be to avoid anything that might be the occasion of seeking or finding physical pleasure in a relationship with a young woman.That requires a high degree of self-knowledge and fortitude (rare commodities among
young men in high school) and, most likely, direction from someone who is older and more experienced.

While fathers can and should talk with their sons about dating and relationships with the opposite sex- even setting clear and comprehensible ground rules that they expect to be followed-they need help. At Tenley Study Center, young men of high school and college age can find that direction from mentors who are dedicated professional men with extensive experience in helping teens and college age men grapple with the challenges of socializing without compromising one’s moral standards. Tenley’s staff can provide an invaluable service to parents, reinforcing their values by giving their son objective, well-informed, and morally-sound advice in these matters.When young men are going through the adolescent stage- which often means a greater propensity to question the relevance of parents’ values and perspectives-nothing is more important than being able to rely on sound outside moral influences and advice to help guide them through the rough waters of socializing.

If dating is oriented towards marriage as its end, then courtship- the process of learning about the character and even testing the mettle of one’s prospective lifelong mate- is another necessary step along the road. Our next pamphlet, “Rules of Courtship,” will deal with this step.